Yeddy, the Clown, the Comedian, (-) the CM

Staying overseas, I think its safe to say that the social networking sites have helped me to keep myself abreast with everything happening back home. Most of the times, a gentle glance at my Twitter stream is as good as reading newspaper headlines. Yes, a Twitter addiction actually helps. 

Amidst all the fast till death and cricket, the political drama has actually been quite amusing to follow. I've never been a fan about politics and would always have a grumpy face whenever my dad or grandpa tuned into news channels every hour. In fact, they should probably get smart phones and start tweeting.

The political drama in Karnataka is definitely more entertaining than any of the states. People might argue that TN has always been on top, but then again it features the same old star cast, with the same story line and with the same ending. It sure is too predictable. The reason why Karnataka produced a blockbuster this time is because of the awesome character of Yeddy. Ever since he was sworn in, we have seen more drama than a reality show with all possible twists. Makers like Raghu , Rajiv and co should surely hook up with Yeddy sometime for inspiration.

I still remember during his beginning days, Yeddy was actually urging people to stop drinking alcohol and instead start drinking milk. Well, that was how he actually justified the rise in milk prices. Imagine that situation in which a bunch of guys decide to go to their favorite hang out place or a friend's place to party and you have all the usual sides, but see people saying "maga 60 semi skimmed hako", to which the other guy would reply "lo, sukka hodibeda. Atleast fully skimmed hodi".

When Yeddy started spending more time claiming his strength in front of the governor  rather in front of his wife, it was clear to even a layman that his attempts were lame. It was clear that he was struggling to build a majority and instead of doing something about it, what does he do? He strips down and starts doing naked suryanamaskars on the banks of river Cauvery.  Just when you thought it can't get more hilarious than this, surprise surprise. Yeddy pulls another trick out of his hat.

This happened just last week when Yeddy wrote an open letter to HDK and published it in the newspapers. In simple words, the letter challenged HDK to swear infront on Lord Manjunatheshwara in Dharmasthala that there was truth behind his allegations. It so reminded me of school kids challenging each other using mother promise or father promise, only in this case it was "God Promise". Amidst all this drama, whenever you see Yeddy and his men, you'll always see them posing to the camera with a victory sign. I'm so sure atleast 90% of them don't even have an idea of what it is and when it is to be used.

With everything said an done, I really want Yeddy to stay put and entertain us with his antics day in day out. After all people like George W Bush and Yeddy are rare and one has to make the best use out of them. Comedians like these don't crop up every other day.

P.S - Hope to wake up tomorrow and see another "Yeddy" in my Twitter stream.

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Unnatural Reactions To Natural Calamities

I'm not a firm believer of the 2012 story and the fact that the world is going to come to an end on Dec 21st. However instead of something huge happening all of a sudden, like it happens in one of those over hyped Hollywood movies, I do believe that some really ugly and uncomprehendable things are going to happen at totally random intervals.

There have been quite a few natural calamities in recent times. The Indian Ocean Tsunami in 2004(this was the time we all learnt a new word, but still don't know the wise guy who put a T and made it silent as well), The Eykjafjallajokull (thank you Wiki for the spelling) volcano in Iceland last year along with a massive earthquake in Haiti and the big freeze in UK, the cyclones in Australia just last month and the most recent Tsunami in Japan.

If at all one were to look for a common factor among all these events, it would be the unpredictability. In spite of being so technically advanced, we have failed on numerous occasions to take preemptive action and save people. Everytime we switch on the news during any of these times, we see the bureaucrats advising people to stay in a safe place and also rallying troupes to carry out evacuation. When they can actually predict the speed, direction and carry out a potential disaster analysis after a cyclone or Tsunami has hit, I really wonder why they cant do it before actually getting hit, and save us of all the trouble. The intensity of such a natural calamity is always measured in number dead people. Just makes you wonder whether the countries are actually competing with each other by portraying that they are helpless, just to get some pity sex.

The worst part about these is the aftermath. Not with the destruction, not with millions worth losses, not with the number of people dead but with the numerous 'relief fund' scams. I remember @kevinpp24 and @piersmorgan tweeting a link repeatedly through which you could contribute to the cyclone victims in Australia. But even they were not aware that it was a scam and someone just gobbled up all the money.

Its really heart wrenching to see the most hard working country in the world go through all of this. I believe everyone has a soft corner for Japan for the simple fact they have become the world's third biggest economy within 60 years after they got nuked in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Just makes you question the existence of god or any other super power even more. Frankly, none of explanations with god or karma makes sense in these situations. We as humans have to understand that natural calamities do happen and no prayers are ever going to stop them.

P.S - For all you gadget freaks, I'm sorry that the Japan disaster overshadowed the iPad 2 launch. 

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All the Action from the Auction

This mid week post comes as a result of a special request and an unlikely number of 'Like's, which is always a pleasant surprise. I'll cut to the chase so that I have enough ink to write this sequel to Lights Camera Auction.

KKR's strategy just blew open the numerous controversies that engulfed them over the past 3 years. People who had any doubts in the fake IPL player's memoirs can now be as sure as the relationship between SRK and Karan Johar. The team looks good with some costly buys but for the kind of squirmish kid Gambhir is, he is sure to say, "These are my stumps, bat and ball. I'll not play if I'm not made the captain". One can surely see a Ganguly in him and KKR's troubles have only found version 2.0 with still no proper exception handling done on the Team_Owner(). 

RCB's strategy has always been to find the most trending chick of Bollywood, dress her up in red and make her walk the ramp. Ooops....wait...think thats only for the IPL nights after party. Even though I would have preferred to see the likes of Dravid, Kallis and Rossy once again, I'm happy that there is no more Vinay Kumar. I'm sure Kaif will do his best to make matters worse for the team, but Kaif only bats and fields(getting drinks doesn't count). So Kaif : 2, VK :3. Kaif wins the dual with a vital ability of not having the ability to bowl.

KXIP's only strategy was to remove all the man boobs from the team. VRV Singh was the catalyst and he successfully induced the same into their already double chinned captain. By the time the management realized this, the cancer had reached its final stage and any number of hugs from Preity could not cure the losing streak disease. Their selection looks decent but spending nearly $1 million on Piyush Chawla can only be attributed to Preity's fetish to cuddle up against someone of her own height.

DC was highly influenced by its Hyderabadi cuisine and decided they really need to have some meat in their line up. Thus they opted for Lumb Biriyani. But it was surprising to see them going for something Rusty when they already had a Gony bag with a White Steyn on it. One can only hope that there is Ishant in the team if at all Telangana becomes a new state.

MI looks like a team with a Blizzard like destruction in them. They made some very intelligent buys and Davy Jacobs seems to be the best buy. With Bhajji and Symo in the same team, either Bhajji has to stop saying "Maa-ki" or Symo has to stop hearing it as "Monkey". They have god on their side and he seems to be in a good form as well. Would definitely love to see Nita Ambani coming out of the closet, that is with a new pair of clothes.

CSK is one team that reminded me of the classic romantic Hindi movies. Their motto was to not let go of any of their old players even if they have to cross seven seas or run out of budget or even if the cement company goes bankrupt. But as of now, the bond looks as strong as India Cements and if at all they had included The Wall, that would have been the perfect icing.

RR is one team that is surely going to attract a lot of attention. Not because of the players picked and not even because of its owners. Who said Share Warne was a former player? Once a player, always a player and he continues to score a lot off field. Very soon RR will receive royalty  from an iPhone game called "Warne's Flip-Her". The game will keep popping random household things and you have to answer whether Warne has already humped that object in his real life or not. The objects can be as simple as a bowling ball to a HB pencil. The highest scorer gets access to a random video of Warne flipping someone.

PW has been maintaining a rather low profile ever since its conception. The team looks rather inexperienced but they have one weapon which no other team has. The ever so destructive Nehra. Many batsmen have reportedly crapped in their pants after seeing Nehra's insanely wide, protruding and yellow teeth in his delivery stride. Some, in order to avoid public humiliation, give away their wicket to him. As a result of these, Lionsgate has requested Nehra's permission to use his face in Saw's next edition. 

Kochi has already started entertaining their fans even before the start of IPL. By opening with a joke, or should I say a flurry of jokes, one thing is guaranteed and that is entertainment. By picking all the unwanted players from other teams, there is no doubt that the ones performing will be Shakeela, Reshma or Devika. After all, the new coconut pickers have their work cut out and only after they get their daily wages, will they be allowed to go onto the field. The shine on the ball is bound to stay on for the full 20 overs, all thanks to the coconut oil applied to the hair.

P.S - This post was not intended to hurt the feelings of any Mallu, whether in Kerala, Dubai or UK and was solely targeted at the iconic Mallu, Sreesanth.

P.P.S - I have great respect for Shakeela as a comedian. 

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The God, The Religion and The Ugly

The much awaited sequel to Godz-illa is finally here. For starters, I was cursed for writing such a long post and I can probably expect them to kick off again after this one. So where do I start from?Hmmm. Let me go back in time and begin with the chronological order of events. As requested, I'm going to start with 'The Big Bang Theory'. Before I move on, if you haven't watched this" Sheldon at his best ", then you are surely missing out on one of the most awfully obnoxious yet insanely funny on screen characters ever created.

Just had a chat with Stephen Hawking and that dude too is not sure how it all began. Even though I have read so many theories about how life began on earth and other theories on evolution, its probably safe to say that the truth may have been a combination of all those theories and all might have been right in their own way. The only reason we haven't been able to zero in on that one particular theory is because of the ego clashes between the brain damaged, bald (some very hairy) and erectile dis-functioned geniuses. While Newton had gone Apples over his theory, and Archimedes had turned into a streaker and Einstein was trying to relate his theory of relativity and stamp his authority on E=MC², none of them would have compromised on their theories. Lets face it, we are still trying to figure out what the hell is this light. Some say its a particle, some say its a wave and some say its the God trying to work like a torch. As far as the plants are concerned, they are just happy having  it for breakfast everyday.

If God has actually created all the living organisms on the earth, then why isn't anyone questioning the fact as to who created God? Assuming that it is true, has anyone wondered how Gods actually live in heaven. Frankly speaking, none of the stories in any of the religions talk about interaction with Gods of other religion. So I'm assuming that they live in separate countries like we do with a specific country alloted to a specific religion. I'm also assuming the fact that the Gods are not issued Passports or Visas to other countries as that would have them giving guest appearances in fables of other religions, which till now has been unheard of. The funny thing is we haven't heard any true stories of religion in the recent times. It stopped with Ramayan and Mahabharata for some and with the resurrection for others while some still believe that blowing up a country will give them a business class ticket to their god. If people put at least 10% of these efforts in impressing their partners and family instead of the intangible God, then their lives would become a living heaven naturally. Simple yet still people manage to complicate it and make their lives a living hell not only for themselves but also to the people around them.

Coming back to the topic, are all the people under a certain religion mapped to a single God? All my C/C++ coding friends out there could help me here figuring out the kinds of data structures that can be used :). Either ways, we have devised our own ways of converting to these religions. Growing of beard or wearing of an infamous cross belt combined with a change in place of worship will help you earn that coveted membership for one particular brand, oops sorry God. If thats the case then what happens to the stories and the belief that you had in your previous God? Do they get nullified as a result of shifting to another brand, oops sorry again God? All these can actually be related to the kind of brand loyalty that we see nowadays. Apple users curse Microsoft and vice versa and fanatics on both sides have found their Gods in Jobs and Gates respectively.

If you look at the concept of religion logically, it was just created to keep the mankind in check and to create a sense of division in the society. When man could not find reasoning for anything that happened on earth, he gave the credit to God. At one point, eclipses were thought of God's way of saying that he was throwing a temper tantrum as a result of not having regular bowel movements. At the end of the day, one has to accept the fact that it is we humans who are better evolved and we are intelligent enough to make our own future. We definitely don't need any soothsayers or god-men to guide us. It's actually disgusting to see people believing anyone who says he/she is a messenger of God. Have a look at this video "Baba's chicanery "which clearly shows how the god-man SaiBaba tricked millions of people. The truth is, he is gay and found extreme pleasure in cross dressing even from his childhood. Do your research and you'll find videos of that too. If not for the technology, a deception like this would not have come out and people would be still blind under the smoke of devotion. I can only imagine how people in the olden days could have been easily tricked in a similar way by glorified magicians and illusionists and people would have believed anything in the name of God. Incidents like these act as a catalyst in promoting a particular God and provide a lot of word of mouth advertising and viral marketing to any religion.

At the end of the day, we have to accept the fact that no God is going to prevent you from having a black out as a result of binge drinking or help you in cheating on your partner or save you from dying in an accident. We have the ability to make sensible decisions and our actions dictate our future. Use your brains in taking decisions instead of staring into a crystal ball or rolling a die. This way, at least you'll grow a pair in blaming yourself for any failures and not find comfort near a fluffy bunny by saying its the God's will. 

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Godz-illa

I was reading the story of Adam and Eve the other day and was wondering how naive we were to believe that story. In fact almost all the fables about the birth of religion or Gods have had lots of flaws in them. Well to start off, I believe that these are the common assumptions that we have about the almighty or the superpower.

1. God is omnipresent and powerful than any being on the earth.
2. We are mere puppets in the hands of the God and everything is controlled by him/her.
3. God not only knows what is going to happen in the future but also makes us pay for our sins.
4. People who do good things go to heaven and people who do bad things go to hell.

Coming back to the story of Adam and Eve, apparently God advised them to not eat the fruit from only one particular tree. And as the story goes, world's first ever dickhead and booby without brainy committed that mistake and then god punished them. That punishment is what we see today as earning our bread, emotional discharges and even childbirth.

Well if the god knows the future, then he would have surely known that Adam and Eve would have eaten the fruit and hence it dismisses the very motive of the story. Why couldn't he cut to the chase and pose a set of challenges for them in the beginning itself? The same conclusion can be reached if one looks at the fact that we are mere puppets in the God's hands. In that case, I wonder why people spend millions and millions on building a place of worship and praying. If praying would solve all the problems, then life on earth would have felt like lap dances even while writing exams. If praying doesn't solve all your problems, then why do it?

If God is present everywhere, it again dismisses the existence of a room exclusively built in the houses for worshiping which in many cases is bigger than the bathroom itself. This means that the almighty is spying on you even when you are taking a dump, or go to the restroom in the pretext of taking a dump or even when you are humping. Doesn't that creep you out? If God sure is invisible then I wonder who saw him first and painted him as a dude with blue skin with source of potential steak on either sides or a grumpy woman with weapons in six hands enough to decapitate or even circumcise a hundred men.


If I did something good today, does that fetch me clubcard points to go to heaven? Is a point deducted for bad thing that we do? In fact what is classified as good and bad? Taking your wife out to a romantic dinner in your new Hummer might be considered good, but isn't it bad for the environment when instead of using a fuel guzzler, you could have taken public transport? So where does one find the cut off level, like getting 15 in internals and a stamp 35 in the externals?

Well, it all looks like a series of deadlocks and ambiguities and we are only succumbing to the  fake stories dating back to thousands of years, told by our ancestors just to keep the mankind in check and ultimately to deceive the weaker class in order to lead a luxurious life. I mean lets face it, why does one need to donate money or carry out a ritual to reach out to the God. If we do not have access to these high end money fleecing places of worship, we have  back up plan depending on the class in the society.

The funny thing is, we always point towards the sky to show god. Assuming that people near the equator point somewhere above their heads to show the good old almighty's abode, shouldn't the people moving away from the equator point towards the horizon?

Let us assume that Adam and Eve had remained good and if that had happened, we would have not paid any rent and stayed in bungalows, got drunk, puked, got drunk again and still wouldn't have had a hangover, the dining table would have looked like a lavish buffet and still we would have stayed slim, people would have gone not just all night long but instead all week long without any Redbull or STD scare and programmers wouldn't have found any bugs in their code and would have reached home everyday before 5 in Bengaluru traffic. I can probably imagine all of these happening except the last one and I guess a lot of people would agree with me on it even those who have been fuming till now.

I'm neither a philosopher nor a hermit but I have lived long enough to see the power of sheer human willpower and strength and would not like to deface the achievements of man over these years with one word "God". I rest my case and hence as long as the traffic in Bengaluru doesn't come under control and as long as the weather in Glasgow is not wet or cold,  I can be sure that there is not God and hence Godz-illa.

  

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