Sachin, Federer at Wimbledon #FakingNews

Looks like Wimbledon is back to its original charm with bad weather, first week upsets and star studded crowd. However, last week everyone's attention was drawn to this one of a kind meet between two legends namely Roger Federer and Sachin Tendulkar. It was a time when one GOAT met another GOAT on a lush green surface. GOAT here refers to Greatest Of All Times. While Sachin surely proclaimed that Roger knows a lot about cricket, what could they have possibly talked about for an hour. This is a PARODY of the possible conversation.

ST: Aila, Roger you were just fantastic. That looked like a easy win.

RF: Naah Sachin, every match is tough and you cant underestimate your opponent(the usual diplomatic, humble answer)

ST: I have been a great fan of your game and I really hope you win Wimbledon this time.

RF: Well, in that case you can do me a favor by square cutting Nadal. Hez staying at the Hilton, room 33(Giggle Giggle).

ST: I guess if you concentrate less on those Gillette ads, you'll surely not need my help.

RF: Pssst. Don't tell anyone. With the kind of form I'm currently in, my Gillette sponsorship is the only thing feeding me, my wife, my twins and my cow. 

RF: BTW, now that you have lost out on MRF, shall I fix you up with these guys?

ST: Actually I wouldn't mind it. I just sold my Ferrari and I'm even taking a loan to buy a new flat. I can surely do with some sponsorship.

ST: I too want some viral videos like yours. Would like to have a video in which I hit a six which will knock an Apple off Ambani's head.

RF: Anil or Nita? I would seriously recommend one of their sons. If something goes wrong, atleast some dead weight is put to rest.

ST: Ha Ha. We call it as "Dharti Pe Bhoj". I've actually tried doing it a couple of times but in vain.

RF: No wonder you ended up with a tennis elbow. You have to leave it to the experts like me :) (**Sarcasm**)

                    

It starts raining yet again in London.

ST: (Sensing the opportunity to change the topic) Typical London weather isn't it. Hope you slide through to the finals. 

RF: Hope I can put one more Wimbledon in my kitty. I can then concentrate on my retirement fund.  

RF: If I win this one, I'll stay back in London and cheer for you to get your 100th 100.

ST: Oh yeah. I really want to dedicate it to Sai Baba.

RF: Why don't you dedicate  it to me and I'll dedicate this Wimbledon win( or runner up tittle)  to you.

ST: RF, if you can get me a Gillette sponsorship then I'll hold my end of the deal. Frankly speaking, the odds of you still having the Gillette sponsorship is better than, ahem ahem....beating Nadal.

RF:(Hmmm.. Tit for Tat eh) Why don't you like my fan page on Facebook and write on my wall and we can discuss about it.

ST: Sure why not, follow me on Twitter and I'll DM you soon.

While this post was not intended to disrespect any of these legends, it was just my lame attempt at some parody. Its probably one of those things that sound better in your head than on paper. Just for the record, I so hope Sachin gets his 100th hundred and Roger equals Sampras's record of 7 Wimbledon titles this year.

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Sai Baba's Last Trick

Yesterday was actually a day of lots of known birthdays. Undoubtedly, Sachin's was the biggest of them all. People from Karnataka will probably remember that it was Rajkumar's birthday as well. On a personal note, I feel he was very over rated and had successfully managed to apply a lipstick to his controversy riddled career. The only reason I like him is because of all those audio clips about "Rajanna" that went viral during the good old college days. Hard to believe that cricketer turned umpire Dharmasena too celebrated his 40th birthday. I'm sure he will be going through some strange emotions whenever he sees people like Shane Warne who are older than him begging him to give the batsman out. But more than all of these birthdays, I'm more happy that it was the death day of Sai Baba.

While I had taken a swing against Sai Baba in The God, The Religion and The Ugly, I'm actually happy to see that his nuts have been finally laid to rest. I utterly detest all the self proclaimed god men. While I do pity the people who believe in them, I sometimes feel that people who actually fall for those kind of silly tricks actually deserve to be deceived. Not long ago was Nityananda caught on camera in compromising positions. Funny thing with all these scandals is that the females flashing flamboyantly in the videos actually deny that its them when they can actually come out with newer and fresher videos like Paris Hilton or simply show their sense of humor by saying that they would have probably bought something from Ann Summers if they knew that they were being taped.

Coming back to Sai Baba, he is probably the biggest con artist of the recent times. A person who not only looted people by exploiting their weakness in belief but also proved to be an ultra safe locker for all the politicians' dirty money. While all his tricks have been well exposed, his internal affairs have also been put out there in the public for people to see. Watch some of the recommended videos on YouTube and you'll know what I'm talking about. There are many men who have been molested by him and there is no denying the fact that inspite of being a vegetarian , baba loved "sausages". I even stumbled upon a few pics from his childhood, which show that he was even a cross dresser and that he has always been a person trying to come out of the closet.

With everything said and done, I guess he is only one among numerous other petty con artists out there. Awareness is something that is lacking and people tend to assume that anything that doesn't have a simple explanation is an act of god or now, god men. Only when they start critiquing and questioning these acts, the glorified magicians will bite the dust. The only commendable trick of Sai Baba is that he made people believe that he died yesterday when he had already died few days back.

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"We Are The Champions" - India #CWC2011

Yesss!!! Yesssssssssssss!!!Wooooohooooooooooooo!!! These were the words that came out of my mouth when Dhoni scripted the most stylish finish to a world cup. The adrenalin was pumping and everyone was so high on energy at Walkabout on Saturday that it mimicked a stadium atmosphere, which even included a dhol. I had held onto my beer mug till the end and composed stone cold's entrance music to commemorate the victory thus sacrificing the mug. The Indo-Pak fever had literally got to me and I was down with fever earlier in the week. Even though I missed watching that match in similar atmosphere, I have to confess that watching India winning the WorldCup was the best feeling of my lifetime.

All thanks to a wonderful team in whom I always believed, I can now tell the story of how India won the worldcup to my kids and possible grand kids. There have been some absolutely stunning individual performances over the worldcup but there is no doubt that this victory was a perfect team effort dedicated to the great man himself, Sachin Tendulkar. Kohli's statement was perfect when he said that Sachin had carried the burden of a nation for 21 years and its time we carried him on our shoulders.

Yuvraj Singh was one of the start performers of the tournament. There was a time I remember when he couldn't field at point and had upgraded his looks with a double chin and a paunch. But it was definitely a treat to see him flying on the field along with murdering the bowling attack and chipping in with a few wickets as well. Zaheer Khan has become such a mature cricketer that its a treat to watch him when he is on song. I still remember the first over he bowled in the 2003 worldcup finals when he had a lot of Sreesanth like temperament. But to become the leading wicket taker in the tournament and most importantly taking those vital wickets has to be one of his career highs.

Its really hard to put yourself in Dhoni's shoes. I can't even imagine the pressure of a billion fans on your shoulders. No doubt he had taken a few calls which backfired and some almost did, but at the end of the day, he had the guns and balls to pull things back and put up a show when it really mattered. Hats off to this gem of a cricketer and the greatest Indian captain. It just makes my rendezvous with Dhoni 6 months back even more memorable.

This win has given me one of those "I was there" moments. There were a lot of people at Walkabout who had come to be a part of history and there were some who had come just for the heck of it. The latter group of people mainly consisted of self proclaimed eye candies who couldn't even tell the difference between powerplay and innings break. These were the people who had come to say "I too was there". At the end of the day it was great to see a lot of divided people united by a common cause. The hashtag of #CWC2011 has finally seen its happy ending and we will probably see a birth of #IPL4 soon.

Congrats India once again for the winning the WorldCup and hopefully we can retain it 4 years from now. The stage was perfectly set for Sachin to retire, but then again I guess the kid in him is urging to push till the next WorldCup.

P.S - I also felt one of the legends of the game Muralitharan deserved a better send off.

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A Tie Maker #CWC2011

The infamous cricket World Cup has already begun and it will be a real sin from my side to not write about it. I could have probably controlled this temptation for a maximum of one more week but after yesterday's Ind vs Eng match in Bengaluru, I reached the tipping point. The satisfaction of writing this post is similar to that of holding it in for 5 hours on an uncomfortable bus journey after downing 4 pints and finally taking a leak in your own toilet, thus admiring the beauty of natural phenomenon.

After some really boring games at the #CWC2011, yesterday's game turned out to be one of the best games among all of the WorldCups. Not just because of the runs scored or the domino like batting collapse or the result of the game, but also because of the controversial UDRS. This match thoroughly emphasized the fact that cricket is a team game and just individual contributions aren't enough( I forbid Ravi Shastri from copying this line as its is copyrighted under my name). 

The top order from both the teams set up the match beautifully but the middle and the lower orders made sure that there were enough twists in the tale, ultimately ensuring that the end would sound like a story from one of the moral science books. Tendulkar was cautious to begin with but paced his innings in a classy manner to get his 47th ODI hundred, thus crawling close to that 50 mark. Strauss's innings was nothing short of brilliance as he made all the Indian bowlers beg for mercy. He got every bowler into his favorite position as he slowly and steadily, with the use of a lubricant did them where it hurts the most, thus disfiguring their figures.

More than 675 runs were scored for the loss of 18 wickets totally. The UDRS seems to be the most complicated system used to make things simpler, thus making the situation even more complicated. It is like giving a student tips on cracking an exam and giving him a book also on how to crack these tips but restricting him from using not more than 3 tips. If it looks like LBW, if the Hawkeye says it is LBW, then raise that crooked finger. I really couldn't get my head around that 2.5m clause in the rule. In that case, KP(Pietersen) who bats couple of feet outside the crease can never be judged out LBW if he is playing on his front foot. We shouldn't be surprised to see a "LBW factor" coming into play, based on the length of the batsman's stride, his height, weight, Zodiac sign, skin tone, sexual orientation, no of previous partners, no of followers on Twitter, and finally if the ball is actually hitting him in line and going on to hit the stumps.

While both teams deserved to win, they equally deserved to loose. No doubt, there were some nail biting, heart pounding and nerve crunching moments which made up for the fabulous game of cricket, but both teams walked out after breaking even. A tie at the end looked like a fitting result. I never thought I would say this, but Ravi Shastri's typical dialogue, "At the end of the day, cricket was the winner" actually is apt for this situation. But it surely wasn't when South Africa chased down 434 against Australia and definitely not when India won the T20 match against Pakistan in a bowl out. I surely missed watching this game in the stadium, as it would have easily gone down as one of those "I was there" moments.

P.S - Can someone please tell Yeddy that the victory symbol that he uses irrespective of the situation(even in a tied game) is not the same as \m/ .

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2010: The year that wasn't, was and never will be

Its that time of the year when everyone is either coming up with resolutions or trying their best to avoid them. Either way, they are bound to be unsuccessful. The best way to cope with this is to come up with a resolution a month or two before the D-day and blissfully break it on that day. This way, the countdown looks more like a countdown to break the shackles rather than to get bound by them.

2010 has actually been a very controversial year even if you exclude my sting operation to prove the eternal lust turned love between David Cameron and Nick Clegg.

The British media couldn't blame it on the direction and speed of the wind and the sound of vuvuzelas and had to stick to Green for their Worldcup miseries. Probably was the best year for the England cricket team. The nicotine patches had changed into purple and with successes in the T20 Worldcup and the Ashes, it was probably their best chance of stealing the thunder away from football. After Afridi's hunger for white balls, the immature spot-fixing trio proved that men are bad at "faking it".

Assange and his uncontrollable leaks not only made matters worse for Uncle Sam but helped various sanitary brands to plug the leaks. Really love some of the mirrors on which Wiki Leaks is hosted http://213.251.145.96/Mirrors.html. The #Barkhagate controversy was the Indian vesion of Wiki Leaks.

Until October, Kalmadi was just a regular bearded guy wearing running shoes with formal pants. The money laundering and CWG scams where he paid more money for a rented Z-grade equipment than for a A-grade new one launched him to a totally untouchable level. Not because he couldn't be touched but because he was hiding under Soniaji's saree. Inspite of delivering the most 'booooo'ed speech at the opening ceremony and also partnering with Shera to flounder a share of this and a share of that, the man's style remained impeccably simple with the same aforementioned attire. For a guy who had looted so much of the tax payers' money that he could actually buy Armani, Gucci, Hugo Boss and still have spare change, he chose to wear the same clothes as the masons and proved that he was a simpleton.

It was a year when Tendulkar turned 37 and hit the best form of his life (Right, like we haven't heard that before). While millions were bowing down to the little master's achievements, Arun Lal and Sanjay Manjrekar were busy discussing the fact that Sachin's backlift has reduced by 1.2cms over these years and he has gained 2 pounds over the last year which in turn has helped him to set new records. Arun Lal also claimed on air that he had presented this magic formula to Sachin on his birthday but honorably requested  his identity to be kept anonymous.

While the politicians in Karnataka were too busy playing polistrip poker, with the only twist being not taking off their clothes but of their most beloved politicians from the opposite party. As the whole world witnessed politicians showing off their bare chests in the assembly, none of them even bothered about the more boiling issues of the state. When a severe shortage of vegetables occurred at the end of the year, the state government started blaming the central government and vice versa with CM Yeddy's solution being to set the record for the most number of temples visited in a week, yet again. The act required him to abstain from all possible activities that involved his libido. But he seemed to listen to 50 Cent's candy shop a lot and couldn't get past the line "Ill melt in your mouth girl, not in your hand".

To round it all up. I wish everyone a very depressing, stale and a crappy new year. Hope I have motivated all of you to prove me wrong and perform miracles this year.

Would love to read any interesting 31st night experiences in the comments section below. My indulgence on Absinth has made me wonder whether the whole party was probably a hallucination or not.

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Little things that blow it

I work as a part-time bartender on match days and I enjoy it. For starters, I don't get paid to get drunk, like many of us might imagine. I get paid for pouring drinks and making cocktails which can be really fun. Even though it would look way too cool to do stuff like the ones down at TGIF do, its really an art and probably not my cuppa. 

Its an out of world experience to talk to fans after full time when their team has won and an equally enjoyable experience to make deal with their misery with a few more drinks. Sometimes you get a mouthful and sometimes a handful (of tips). But the worst part of this job is actually pouring all the good stuff down the drain. I flush atleast 10 litres of alcohol every 2 hours. A natural waste? Not for some. I've also binned hundreds of uneaten meat pies and all other  equally good stuff. With so much stress on cost cutting, it wouldn't hurt to look into this matter.  

Nevertheless, there is a lot one can learn from sportsmen. Sachin Tendulkar's down to earth attitude and his accomplishments have made me overwhelmed so much that at times I repent the fact that I didn't jump onto the Chinnaswamy stadium(1996) during the Indo-Pak match. There is no doubt that he is one of the best sportsmen ever and is surely going to be featured in the curriculum of almost all of the B-schools. Alongside Sachin will be Tiger Woods and the title would read "Two people who scored with their clubs, one made of willow and the other, lets say boning wood".

Then again, that is what management is all about. Common sense prevails anyways and it drives the bulk of any business. Just today, I heard about a story in which a guy who had saved and generated millions for a company was denied a promotion and evicted just because he wasn't academically qualified. That raises a question of degrees and superficial qualifications. "People can be trained to become successful people but self proclaimed successful  people cannot be trained with skills". Its a long disputable topic but the most of the companies actually opt for a piece of paper over the real grey matter.

Its actually a never ending process that begins in your childhood itself. Parents bragging about their kid knowing the capitals of 100+ countries. Later on its the marks and 95% is never enough and you always have to beat your neighbour or some "X" person. When you start looking for a job, the college and the degree come into the picture. Just when you finally get a job and get settled and feel happy that you have gotten away from the rat race, you realize that the you have started the same cycle with your kids. Guess Life Ishtene.

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